Thursday, September 13, 2012

How to be lazy in 10 steps by Marcus Speh

                Laziness is hard work. You need to master the art of doing nothing. It is a skill that over the years pays back more than anybody realizes. Happy that Marcus pays attention to this long-neglected necessity of life. I’m a sloth. Believe me when I say this skill helps me survive in the concrete jungle. When people look at me suspiciously and ask what I’m doing I can honestly say ‘Nothing’. For I do nothing. This is my life. Sloths live to achieve nothing. With these 10 easy steps you’ll be well on your way to achieve nothing in your life. Go through this list with me as we explore what it means to live a lazy, slothful life. 

1.       I stay in bed way beyond the 15 minutes after my alarm clock rings. Usually I stay in bed an additional hour but that’s because I’m a sloth.

2.       Calendars are stupid. My phone tells me what date it is anyway. Any appointments I’ll find about later. 

3.       Disorder – here’s a real tough cookie. I keep my place pretty clean. I leave some magazines around so it looks like I read normal people stuff instead of literature on the internet. IRL people just don’t understand the internet. Their loss is my gain. 

4.       Maybe is my no. When people hear me say ‘maybe’ I really mean no. I’m too polite to say no to anything excluding watching sports. I will never watch sports. 

5.       A bad habit a week? I have one bad habit – I’m a sloth. A sin was named after me. What other habit can I adopt that will do that? Answer: nothing at all. 

6.       Eat what I like. That’s what I do. Pizza all day every day: that’s the diet of a sloth on the lookout for free pizza. 

7.       Writing is something I do every day. It brings me great joy. 

8.       Editing writing – what does this even mean? Bloggers don’t need no editing to know how to blog.

9.       Think this one is about grooming. Every day when I wake up I groom extensively. I pat my hair down on my head and I’m good to go. Bed head is my haircut. Whenever somebody says ‘Nice haircut’ I doubt they ever pay attention to me on a regular basis. 

10.   I agree with this regarding my upcoming, uncompleted, un-worked-on novel (or maybe it is worked on) let it happen. Do not force things. Words naturally take shape. Why intrude on them? If you let them dictate what will happen it will be unnatural. 

Wish Marcus Speh lived in America. I should probably hang out with this lazy particle physicist at some point.


  1. You crack me up. But now I must wake my family before turning in myself. Must be slothful, must be. I keep telling myself that but it's hard. I was born busy. I'm trying to hypnotize myself into being lazier. I might use your posts to help with that. I like pizza but it makes me flabby. I don't like watching sports either except with my daughter. What you I think my haircut is also the laziest thing about me (no hair means no hassle). This morning I stepped out on our balcony (our poor inner-city substitute for a garden) and I realized the secret of plants: they just grow. No pressure. I'm looking at you for much needed inspiration, Beach Sloth. No intrusion, just words.

  2. PS. That's not me in the picture btw (the fault's mine...this probably appeared on my blog). Though the boy's cute as a button, but I was sharper-looking (and thinner) as a babe. I still am. I think this boy grew up to be pudgy. The wall plugs prove it: they're American but I grew up in Germany (here)-here's a real photo with me that shows me being (fairly) lazy with my momma (women in the 1960s didn't believe in breast feeding: that would have been lazier still). And here's one with my daddy who had a gold tooth like a pirate, with Egyptian symbols carved in it just so.

    1. Alright I shall use these in the future.