I was going to one of the most relevant shindigs ever. Everybody would be there. So I was bringing my kids to my mother’s house. Alt lit children they aren’t but darn it, I love my kids. After I dropped them off I took the subway. Right across from me sat a hyper-sexualized Hansel and Gretel. Had the witch’s house been made out of aphrodisiacs they would have been game. I pictured them making it in subway cars asking voyeurs for money. Heck I would have given them some. They were cute as Heck, Satan-approved.
I began walking towards the Nostrand side of the train station. Who was behind me, none other than Steve Roggenbuck? This was amazing. Everyone thought it was sheer coincidence. No, this was the result of the highly dysfunctional G line. Many think the G line is a terrible subway line, that since it never goes into Manhattan nobody really cares about it. I disagree. I and the G keep it twee.
At the party everyone who could have been there was there. Santino Dela, famous Canadian, Megan Boyle, the most famous writer to come out of Baltimore since Edgar Allen Poe, Spencer Madsen of ‘A Million Bears’ fame, and of course, the whole reason for the party, Marie Calloway. For her efforts in alt lit and her many readings, Marie’s fans presented her with a trophy for 1st place in girl’s 8th grade field hockey, and 1st place for badminton. Around them were candles to set the mood.
Outside several discussed the dilemma of the ‘Positive Cock Block’. Personally I do not see it but there are such things as positive cock blocks. The sloth’s main cock block is a lack of energy. Sloths are like ‘Maybe we should respond to this message on our dating profile’ but usually we take a nap instead. If you ever see a sloth on OK Cupid, they have a ‘responds selectively’ setting due to their inherent laziness.
Santino Dela may care more about writing than anyone else at the party. At the party he hugged everyone. People received food and nourishment from his ample brown paper bag. Out of the bag followed all sorts of kindness. Later that evening Santino received the shock of his Canadian alt-bro life. For trying to bring poetry to the citizens of Brooklyn he spent two days in maximum security prison without access to Facebook or Twitter. I believe that may be a violation of the Geneva Convention. Hundreds of alt lit people rely on Santino’s tweets to get them through the day. An undercover cop asked him what he was doing. In true Santino fashion he answered “I am living my life”. Living your life may be a crime IRL. Is this what America does? Does America want to arrest ‘poetry’ and ‘throw away the key’? Vigils were held outside for Santino as he observed his horrendous conditions. Right now Santino is in talks for a book deal with Melville Press and a potential film option based off of this experience. Both prisoners in his jail cell had mops.
LK Shaw and Guillaume Morissette were in attendance as well. These two Canadians were a bit different from Santino. First neither one was arrested (that I know of). Second neither one is ‘hardcore Canadian’. LK Shaw hails from the UK. I love the UK and hope to return there someday soon. Guillaume is from Montreal and is very Montreal. Guillaume’s face is the face of Quebec. Don’t mess with Quebec. Godspeed You Black Emperor is from Quebec. If you mess Quebec up prepare for at least a twenty minute song about why you suck which effortlessly blends Post-Rock, Classical, and Ambient music into a tasteful whole. Also it will totally fuck you up.
I met so many wonderful people. Finally I met the elusive Megan Boyle, of ‘Boyle’s Brains’ fame, of ‘Muumuu House’ fame, and most importantly of ‘Megan Boyle’ fame. At this point I have seen Megan read multiple times. Each time I was either too nervous to approach or she left before I could find her. For a while I thought we would never meet. Really happy I got to meet Megan Boyle. Glad Megan Boyle will be driving trucks across this great land called ‘America’. In real life Megan Boyle is infinitely excellent. She bought my chapbook which means the world to me. Plus due to me standing in proximity to Megan I got a free Whiskey Soda. So even standing next to Megan Boyle makes you cooler.
Many, many other people were there. I got to meet so many Canadians while there. Wonder if there even were any Canadians in Canada this weekend, besides Walter Mackey because he is not allowed to leave Canada. Walter Mackey is responsible for 90% of Canada’s sass output. Without Walter Mackey Canada’s sass would reach ‘critical levels’. This cannot happen. Walter must stay in Canada at all times to curate large collections of sass.
Honestly, if I had to give this party a score, it would make ‘Best New Friends’. I spoke with wonderful people who were and were not members of alt lit. Not sure if I can mention all their names as I’m uncertain about who would and would not want to be mentioned. Just know if I spoke to you I cherished the time. Sometimes I feel lonely observing things from far away, blogging about them as I sit alone on the internet. Meeting people IRL reminds me that the internet is a warm and caring place. Thank you for all the IRL hugs.