Goats by David M. Morton

                David M. Morton is Germantown, Ohio’s most prominent playwright. As I know nothing about Germantown, I take his word on that. Reading ‘Goats’ I thought to myself “This is a play. Is this my first theatrical review?” It is. New York City is renowned for its many theatrical productions, running the gamut from ‘Spiderman’ to ‘Cats’ and all those other plays. I am not a player. Today that changes. ‘Goats’ is my debut onto the wide stage of theater. I will dance and sing some silly songs. You’ll laugh, cry, and truly feel for the review. David calls this a ‘short story’ but I ignore that description. I am too excited to review theater. 

                Heather and Pompey enter from stage right. They are next to a bridge. The Old Norwegian folktale about the three fattened goats comes up. Heather wants to get fat and fool bridge trolls. Pompey has some serious feelings for Heather. That is why he gives her candy and takes her to a seedy bar. Unfortunately the bar serves beer instead of delicious, wholesome treats. The bartender digs his tattoo of a woman's breasts. Discouraged they walk together to find some truly yummy food. I feel a little bad for Heather as Pompey appears to ‘verbally abuse’ her through his disparaging remarks.

                They find a lovely café. Behind them the stage is full of JPEGs of artisan bread. Heather and Pompey are good at sex. By showing their waiter pictures of their sex acts they get 25% off at their next visit. Pompey mutters nonsense at the top of his lungs. All Heather wants to do is get fat. Together they go into the woods to get fat off of gamey food, deer, opossums, and tree bark. Jesus makes rocks to throw at Earth. By now they find their tree, played by Jennifer Aniston. Over the tree branch is a swing. Heather notes this excitedly. She is totally into swinging. 

                Weight is important to them. They must gain weight. Heather eats bread before Pompey pushes her in a swing. Pompey pushes her too hard in the swing. Freaked out she demands he stops. Now he looks around. He wants to build a cabin there. Heather believes in Jesus. She thinks she will need to sell her soul to the wolf. Atheism is important to Pompey. He is a hardcore atheist. It ends with the two of them arguing about the story of the three goats. Wolves want Heather more than Pompey. This upsets him and we end mid-argument. 

                Love this short story/play thing David has. David helps Ohio step up its game. Ohio has its unfair share of writers. Now they have a playwright, complete with the standard glasses and beard. Truly this is a beautifully absurd tale.