Monday, June 25, 2012

Frat Star Poetry

                Bros in alt lit: you better believe it. There are many bros in alt lit. Do we say bro ironically or un-ironically? It is tough to tell. Sometimes you need to bro out. How do I bro out? Well this is how I ‘bro out’. I eat a tough guy breakfast of Morningstar farms bacon, celery stalks, and ripe tomatoes. Once I am done pounding down lemonade I bust out my bike, find the nearest park, sit down under a tree and write poetry in my Moleskine. Yeah now that is truly hardcore. See this collection for a better example of the hardcore bro in life. This is in fact Frat life, something I have never been a part of, due to my extremely slothful lifestyle. I am not made for Frat life. 

                Actual Jellyfish begins this in style. He explores the forbidden fruits of bro love. I cannot describe bro love. You simply discover it one day. That’s truly beautiful. Brad and Actual Jellyfish drink some delicious Milwaukee’s Best. They bond through banging women together. While Brad slept Actual watched. Yep, it is touching. Actual put his bed up against Brad’s to look over him. For me the ending is truly tragic. 

                Carnivorous Judy tells us about the pledge life. Poor Carnivorous writes about blow times. Blow times are the go times. Everybody misses it when it’s gone. 

                Everydayissunny celebrates the greatness of his frat. They rock intramurals. Intramurals are an important part of the college experience for bros. Keg legs and nugs are part of any frat boy breakfast. 

                Lazzyandoh writes about the painful of acceptable. Frats are not easy to join. Yet once you join you get benefits like becoming a Cretin. That’s a big deal. 

                LK Shaw writes Frat Haikus. I was unaware Frats understood poetry or language. A sorority sister writes a haiku. Others use ‘woos’ to describe their feelings. 

                Lazzyandoh writes about helping out his broski. Tugs help others out. 

                Everydayissunny talks about being a depressed frat star. Poor frat star, I did not know frat stars had emotions. Though being in a frat meant you edited out emotions. There are no emo frats. Poor guy eats a cookie playing the ‘load blown’ game. You can Wikipedia that if you want. 

                Lazzyandoh sends texts. These frat bros live wild and crazy lives. Am I jealous? No, not really since they apparently puke and stuff. Puke is not classy. 

                Michael O’Brien writes about frat star lovers. Frat stars experience emotions other than drunk? I did not know. Hope Michael finds a considerate, compassion frat star. 

                Llamaofdoom writes about the dark side of the frat star. Poor frat stars are freaking out pretty hard. Wish they did not have to pop it. 

                Otis Rachtman writes a slam-piece trilogy. I remember listening to a romantic song entitled ‘You’re my number one slam piece’. Here Otis keeps up that tender language, as he splashes water on his balls. A lot of bands play at his frat. Must be cool having bands like MGMT and Dylan at your frat house. 

                Everydayissunny creates philosophical frat stars. They pine about their own fairly useless existence. Poor dudes do not even know what is what, they just strut. Like the reference of Jimmy John’s. Glad I have one of those near where I live. 

                Lazzyandoh wants a 21 year old. They do not think it is cool to brag about all-nighters. Nope, they say he must be in a frat. Ouch, that hurts. Goldfinger is a pretty good band though. It is for the best. 

                Grose explains his mastery of flip cup. Six years of undergrad is twice the amount I had. I spent three years in undergrad. Schools cannot contain me. For my life I travel around on the internet searching for friends and relevancy. I do not have the time to spend with a silly red cup. 

                 Tombombadil666 talks about Lost, the show I never understood. Why did people care about this lost people? I remember once bullshitting an ending to Lost that ended up being the real ending for the series. Feel if I can pull a stupid response out of my head and that’s the reality the writers aren’t trying hard enough. Coors light is classy. Rockies got to get tapped. Why else would Coors taste like drinking melted glacier water? 

                Brushyourtusks says you can sleep with him. Poor frat stars never seem to gain any insight into their extremely limited field of vision.

                LK Shaw slays it. She goes to 666 and meets a guy, probably a demonic creature. Apparently this guy digs LK Shaw. He talks about his hard life. When she says ‘YOLO’ now an internet meme, he thinks they have a connection. Before things get any heavier (via the ‘make-out’ lifestyle) she manages to escape from intense brain-surgery bro. We never learn if he was a frat star. She leaves that to our imagination. He probably was though. 

                Wonder if frat stars would ever truly understand alt lit. Considering their fondness for flipping red cups and ‘living in the moment’ I feel it is safe to say ‘No’. Though some frat stars probably would feel right at home in the ‘shitstorms’.


  1. lolol.

    I loved reading this.

    "I was unaware Frats understood poetry or language. A sorority sister writes a haiku. Others use ‘woos’ to describe their feelings."

    "Here Otis keeps up that tender language, as he splashes water on his balls."

    Love it.

    And if I could follow one tenth of the new music you follow, I would walk around acting like I was SPIN magazine in 1992.

    So it's probably good I can't.

    Keep up the great big satellite ears.

    You notice everything.

    1. William, I want to print out your comment and hang it on my wall. This is amazingly good.

  2. :-) I can't believe how fast you process lit and music (just read some of the newer posts)...I'm glad you enjoyed my enjoyment. Keep it up. I don't know any blog that's taking so many pulses at once. Be(a)t farmer and hipness nurse at once. I try to grow three tomato plants in my backyard and I'm lucky if one side of one of them makes it to fruit/vegetable/other whatever the hell tomatoes are. The rest look like the Addams family's garden. I felt myself cringing for poor Moby after that book's hard account of his life. Oh Lordy, Troubles So Hard. I haven't seen him on a screen in years. I wonder if he looks like Paul Schaefer now.