Sunday, March 25, 2012

Steve Roggenbuck joins the Illuminati

                Steve Roggenbuck is going all ‘retro’ on us lately. Over the past week Steve has leaked countless ‘portrait of a young man’ photos on us. To top it off, he’s been joining old-ass organizations. The Illuminati have accepted Steve as one of their own. Good thing the Illuminati are located right in Austin, Texas. Everyone knows the Illuminati brought Texas into the union back in the 19th century. Steve is truly participating in history. 

                No ustream this time. ‘Spreecast’ got its trial run. This is the first Spreecast recording. In fact Steve prepared for it through his face paint. A few people thought Steve’s face paint was inspired by the hit alt lit movie ‘Avatar’ and the prince of darkness ‘Satan’. 

                I don’t think I’ve ever seen pure anarchy delivered to my computer screen. Multiple people were in attendance via the internet. Jack Gooding made his ‘online’ appearance after so many ustreams of asking ‘Take off your top Roggenbuck’. So did Jean Manuel. I’m not sure if they have the internet in Canada. They probably don’t. I feel Walter’s internet connection might have been destroyed by a ‘rampaging moose’. 

                ‘Add more boost juice to your computer’ Steve told Jean Manuel. Lars won the dance contest. Jack Gooding came in second place. It was the first ‘Spreecast alt lit contest’. The contest consisted of writing the best sonnet. Just kidding, it was a dance-off to Skrillex. We really had no idea what was going on. All I knew was Jack Gooding took off his shirt. I felt happy about this development. For so long Jack Gooding had watched Steve via the internet he wanted to see Steve take off his shirt.

Carnivorous Judy read from his most recent poetry chapbook. Walter Mackey’s chapbook deals with Myspace comments. I miss Myspace. I miss getting creepy-as-heck comments from random people. Also, Walter’s face had melted due to the extreme relevancy from the reading. I feel bad for Walter’s face. Walter has a ‘Tao Lin’ tattoo so he’s pretty darn valuable. Glad he has made it into the alt lit community. I virtually hug Walter on a fairly regular basis. 

Steve called Moths ‘rare’. I call them ‘destroyers of my limited amount of clothes’. Fuck moths. Those things can burn in hell. I can’t think of anything more Satanic than eating my clothes. It’s even more evil since I am poor. I’m living the ‘recycle aluminum can’ lifestyle.

The love in the room was amazing. Steve had so many new friends around him. Only a few days ago had they met. Yes, Steve’s presence is so welcoming everyone wants to be a part of the ‘live your lief’ lifestyle. A few people played Kazoos throughout the entire recording. For $100 Steve would not lick your balls. That would last him only two weeks or so according to his accountants. Glad that Steve spends his money so wisely. 

People told me about the show “The Bachelor”. They told me about all the money I could make. I know a lot of sloths end up on “The Bachelor”. Sloths aren’t known for ‘getting some’. No, sloths are usually known for ‘sleeping’. Most sloths don’t go on social networking sites. We’re underrepresented on dating sites. We rarely go to bars. I wonder about my species sometimes. Are we slutty enough to evolve? 

Jean Manuel did an unusual thing: he read a poem. Before he did, he explained how he was ‘born into’ the Illuminati. The triangle on his forehead showed us everything. The poem was brilliant. Jean wrote it while on a mystical substance. While he might have lost the ‘dance-off’ he gained something greater. He gained my love. I adored the ‘heart-fist’ metaphor. It was excellent. I wanted to hug Jean after it was finished. The poem was called ‘Third Eye for Lars’. 

Random questions were asked of Steve Roggenbuck. It felt like watching a ‘wise man’. All the questions were asked by insane crazy people. Slater proved that much. Nobody had ever seen Slater before. Nobody will ever see Slater again. Slater boosted himself off of the planet using a flame. 

I was told how to appear on the Bachelor. I am happy about appearing. You’ll see me there in May. I’ll send a tweet to let everybody know. A few people explained to me how to truly rock my world. Poor sloths we don’t stand a chance. Not compared to all those Casanova animals like snails or turtles. Snails and turtles are ‘fuck monsters’.

Steve showed off his new clothes, or rather, new to him. Other people were brought into the chaos of the Spreecast. It was madness. If ‘Lord of the Flies’ was brought online it would’ve looked like this, if ‘Lord of the Flies’ had a bit more nerdiness. More and more people kept on talking to Steve via the internet. It was like ‘Facebook Roulette’ only with considerably less peens. Or maybe there were the same amount of peens. 

Loved ‘Slater’ part II. I love Slater. He avoids technology. I don’t think I’ve seen anything that insane. Can I understand what Slater was doing? No, I will never understand. When I understand what Slater does with his life, that’s when I know I must start doing public readings. Yep, I adored whatever the heck Slater was talking about. 

Beauty was all around me. I didn’t know how to handle it. Some Jesus bro came on cam to talk about helping people about. Will Eyers asked for bandwidth. Check out Will’s website right here. He’s the one who accepted Steve as a member of the Illuminati. Every time I see the website I cry a little bit, on the inside but mostly on the outside. 

Creamed Corn stood between us and Steve. Something had to be done. The only thing that made sense was drinking a can of creamed corn. We didn’t want to see the creamed corn take over the Spreecast. We had pointless things to do online. A great man had to drink the entire can of creamed corn. Who had the guts to drink Creamed Corn? Steve Roggenbuck had the ‘testicular fortitude’ to drink a can of creamed corn.  To fully feel the corn flowing through his body he put on ‘Korn’ a hit alt metal jazz nu-fusion band. 

People hitchhiked topless to get to the reading IRL. It blew my mind. How could people put their physical safety in danger for Steve? But then I do somewhat understand. It’s beautiful what Steve does, telling people how to tap into their inner bro. Like one ‘Ian Dick Jones’ who lived in an empty room with a piece of luggage, Hello Kitty merchandise, and a poncho. It looked beautiful/home of an alt lit person. 

666 texts were sent to Steve’s phone. Apparently he gets free text messaging. This helps him since he’d have to pay some ‘extreme amount’ to get text messages otherwise. Steve probably made it. I’m not sure. I feel most people usually follow his instructions for ‘massive work’. See the Bebe Zeva Facebook thread for further evidence of his genius. 

“People don’t read literary journals” Steve proclaimed. Steve is in the news feed of my heart. Every day he’s out there giving the internet his best. I feel happy knowing people don’t read literary journals. I’ve never been accepted to one. I like to think it’s because they have so many submissions. But it may be because I’m just not good enough for the alt lit world. Someday I hope to be a member of alt lit. 

Eventually it ended. It had to. This may have been one of the best broadcasts Steve has done. Feel the positivity Steve radiates. Steve Roggenbuck is the internet’s ray of sunshine.


  1. I came late but had fun.

    I love that it was on spreecast so I could finally join chat (ustream chat never works for me).

    My highlights were the 666 texting, the cute kids being cute, and the wolf. And the dancing. And the varying audio levels of all the microphones.

    I hope everything on the Internet will now be on spreecast.

  2. Yeah, I like Spreecast more. It seems to be a 'freer' sort of webcasting system. Proud of you Chris.

  3. Oh boy! I had such a swell time at the Illuminati Acceptance Party! <3