Steve Roggenbuck is the MC of the internet. It makes sense that he’s hosting the first annual Alt Lit Gossip Awards, brought to you by American Apparel. And oh boy, what a show it is! Bloggers, internet writers, and tweeters are beyond excited. No word exists, and the closest phrase we have is ‘lief changing’. Yeah, you think that’s intense. Wait until you see it. The American Apparel ads only make it sexier, in case a hot bothered Steve Roggenbuck jumping around isn’t hot enough for you.
Rehearsals have already begun, in preparation for the big day. Ken and Barbie will be there. You can see them in the event invite. For the event, Ken grew a pair. He now makes love to Barbie night and day. Frank Hinton’s best-selling book ‘I don’t Respect Female Expression’ is responsible for this change. If her book allows plastic dolls’ balls to descend, imagine what it can do for you. Besides, Frank Hinton’s book makes a great addition to any respectable alt library. Remember the advice of John Waters: “If you go home with somebody, and they don't have books, don't fuck 'em!” Frank Hinton’s writing can get you laid, very laid indeed.
No introduction is necessary for Steve Roggenbuck. You may remember him from such important ustreams as ALL OF THEM. Steve is everywhere. Steve Roggenbuck is the air internet poetry breathes. It is an intoxicating internet-bound musk, rich and fragrant. You can purchase Steve Roggenbuck’s musk through a little company called, I don’t know, CALVIN freaking Klein; maybe you’ve heard of them. Do you want to support his great cause, this master-blaster of online writing disaster? How about you buy a shirt of his, to support his brand? For you can re-tweet him all you want online, but he needs your help offline. With your donation of just $20, you can help feed a Steve Roggenbuck. Do it today! If you live outside of the US, it is $25 because the US is the most relevant country in the blog-o-sphere. And just wait until Jackson Nieuwland immigrates over here. The US will be unstoppable with the power of a thousand likes and boosts.
What are the awards though? Yeah, an awards ceremony needs awards. Winners receive a million buzz bucks. Buzz bucks are the currency of the relevant part of the internet. They can be exchanged for goods and services such as: shout-outs, re-tweets, re-blogs, likes, and comments. Imagine all these young, intrepid, and alt writers can do with the money. Finally, they will get the true online attention they so right deserve. Perhaps they will be recognized as that guy their Facebook friends talk about. And remember, where buzz bucks talk, everybody can walk.
Tune in this Wednesday, December 28th, 2011, for an orgy of literature. Get in the chat. Noah Cicero, famous writer, is hosting a party for this once-in-a-year event. Jordan Castro too is attending. You can witness his penis, better known as his internet presence. The famous (and hottest) alt lit couple Jackson Nieuwland and Carolyn DeCarlo are watching from sunny New Zealand.