Thursday, December 29, 2011

The Alt Lit Gossip Awards ‘The ALTIES’

                I was stoked. December 28th, 2011 changed my life. What changed? I’d say everything. First, I got published by Thought Catalog under yet another pseudonym, Erik Baker. That tickled me all shades of pink, from the lightest of pinks to the darkest of pinks. Or perhaps, just perhaps that is my real name. I felt overwhelmingly happy about seeing another fictional name of mine up on the site. As a way of giving thanks, I shall get upset at the most recent defiler of Thought Catalog, one ‘Gawker’. 

                We pre-gamed before the ALTIES. Tiny chat was packed with the altest of the alts. All of them were there. The UK, Texas, California, Ohio, some other places, they all brought heart to the pre-game. Unfortunately we were unable to tailgate for the event. Maybe at some point in the future we can all live together virtually. Or at least transmit limited quantities of alcohol virtually. I hope scientists are working around the clock on that. 

                Multiple blogs were readying themselves for ‘live-blogging’. Banango, the literary blog headed by the alt lit trinity, prepared for the sweet boosting power. Some other blogs readied themselves, but I haven’t guest posted for them, so I’m not going to mention them. We strapped ourselves in and got shot into orbit around the Earth. How would we know that we’d be above the Earth, hearing Steve from space? I thought in space, no one could hear you scream. Guess Roggenbuck has enough volume to cut through space’s emptiness, to touch my heart. 

                Steve Roggenbuck won the ‘most gayest’ award. Everyone nominated him. Steve cried for only a brief period of time, just for a couple of minutes. After Steve won he jerked his body around for a while in a style reminiscent of ‘dancing’. Grace Marston won for the best alt lit gossiper. Horse_ebooks, the best tweeter of 2011, tweeted about the winning the award, tweeting ‘Learn how to tame your horse’.

                Best Alt Lit Short Story – Training by Sam Pink. Sam Pink is one of the strongest members of the alt lit community. Had he not won, he might have beaten us up. I am glad he won. I don’t want to be hunted down by some alt lit strongman.

                Best Alt Lit Poem – Pigs by Darby Larsen. This is a crazy, insane-type poem. It takes a strong writer to write an entire thing about pigs. Pigs usually get bad press, so I’m happy for Darby. He earned it. Steve read it for a really long period of time. Read it here. 

                Best Alt Lit Online Mag – Lies/Isle. It flashes before my eyes. I feel nothing but the utmost happiness about this selection. 

                Best Alt Lit Journal Mag – Pop Serial. I heart pop serial. I eat pop serial with milk every morning. Stephen Tully Dierks is also referred to as the ‘babe’ of the alt lit gossip circle. 

                Best Debut Novel – Today and Tomorrow by Ofelia Hunt. Ofelia Hunt’s book is pretty damn balls-to the wall. Of course I mean that as a compliment. 

                Alt Lit Prom King and Queen – Richard Chiem and Frances Dinger won. I am pretty damn happy. They are the cutest alt lit couple ever. They’ve hosted ustreams before, life-changing ustreams. 

                Best Alt Lit Chapbook – There was a lot of competition. Man, there was a ton of competition. “I don’t respect Female Expression” won. I’m proud of Frank Hinton. 

                If Beach Sloth is a bot, then I’m blown away by computer technology. – Steve Roggenbuck. This was the best quote of the night, easily. 

                Best Alt Lit Moment – Tao Lin marries Megan Boyle. I feel pretty happy about this one. I wrote about their relationship. I want to say I was the first on their ‘loving scene’ but that’s not true. I think they beat me to blogging about their own wedding. 

                Breakout Alt Lit Writer (Male) – Steve Roggenbuck won. How much of a boost was this? I can’t express it. What hasn’t Steve Roggenbuck done? Duke hosted him; he toured around the Northeast, met his fans, boosted about a billion internet-based people, and generally has a grand old time of maintaining a great internet presence. 

                Breakout Alt Lit Writer (Female) - Megan Boyle won. She earned this award. I am proud of her. Now that she has won, I shall introduce myself next time I see her read. Plus, she offered me a ‘beverage of my choice’ next time we meet. I’d be a fool to pass that up. 

                Best New Lit Zine – Shallow. This is Zachary Whalen’s newest blog. Finally Canada has a literary mastermind, besides all those other literary masterminds, like the one I met in Bushwick, or the one who created this award ceremony in general (one Frank Hinton). 

                The Jonathan Safran Foer Franzen Lifetime Achievement Award – Dennis Cooper won. His blog sucks you in, in the best way possible. 

                Alt Lit Writer of the Year (Female) – XTX won. She is the winner. She deserves it. I like her writing. It talks about pounding. Pounding is important in literature. 

                Alt Lit Writer of the Year (Male) – Blake Butler won. Usually he gives me nightmares, but today he achieved his goal. Steve Roggenbuck will visit Blake Butler to check on his peen for peen check #2012              

                Best Debut Novel – ‘There is No Year’ by Blake Butler. His book got reviewed in the New York Times, so that’s unsurprising. He seems chill. 

                ‘I hate to tell you but this guy is a jerk’ – some guy’s mom. The guy’s mom hated on Steve Roggenbuck. When I next meet Steve I’ll hug him to make him happy. It is a shame that mothers don’t approve of Steve Roggenbuck, yet have no problem giving free advertising to KIX cereal. That sounds like bullshit to me. 

The BEACHIES                       
                Steve introduced me in the kindest way possible. Everyone began to write in caps lock. For a moment, Steve wanted to sit down. But when anyone reads off a series of amazing winners, there is no way they can just ‘sit down’. You got to get up off the floor. Get off that chair. Shout it from the rooftops, from the internet cafes, from the apartment blocks, from the computer library, and from your car. Wherever you are you must shout it, you must celebrate our great literary tradition of flarfing.  

                Happy Dog Mom Litjournal - Best Online Squatter Award
I really like with Happy Dog Mom Litjournal do. I know there are many online squatters who make the world a better place, but Happy Dog Mom, for camping out in a fictional HTML Giant link, win my heart. Their extreme anonymity and collective presence makes me like them. I think there are a few people responsible but I have little evidence. 

                Meghan Lamb - Best Named after an animal award
Sure, Meghan Lamb isn’t the only one. Now the obvious question is: why not nominate yourself? I am an animal, but a humble one. I have this whole ceremony named after me anyway. 

                Jennifer Fallingstar - Best use of shooting star imagery
Jennifer is Beach Sloth’s first Facebook fan. Besides this, she emits positive energy throughout the internet. 

                Christopher Higgs - Best person confused for being Beach Sloth
I am jealous of this guy’s beard. People question my identity on a regular basis, asking about all sorts of people, but this happens to be the most interesting person. 

                Chadwick Redden - Best person to overcome arrest in chapbook publication
Chadwick is a trooper. He also met one, who arrested him for being ‘too alt’. Some parts of the United States have not recognized the importance of being alt. I hope all my alt brothers, sisters, and anonymous online presences. 

                Megan Boyle - Best fo' sho'
Yep. Megan Boyle is the best fo’ sho’. I feel this award is self-explanatory.

                Shaun Gannon - Best Syllabus
I am taking Shaun Gannon’s class next year. 

                Michael Seidlinger - Best portrayal of an online presence
I really like his book. When I read it, I thought to myself “Oh fuck, this book is about me and my online presence.” Still though, it rocks. You should probably buy it. 

                Justin Carter - Best use of a potato salad
I like potato salad. People don’t write about potato salad enough. 

                Peterbd - Best anonymous online presence
Yeah, I dig Peterbd. He is awesome. Peter sends the best emails. 

                Neon Glittery - Best use of neon and glitter
I enjoy Neon Glittery’s work. No one uses neon or glitter in quite the same way, or in any way. 

                Mike Bushnell - Best use of physical violence at a reading
I need to explain this one. I saw Mike perform a reading. During the performance, a member of the audience got rowdy, asking Mike to be quiet. Instead, Mike hit him with a cupcake holder container, an aluminum pan. That ruled. 

                MDMA Films - Best use of reality
These are great films. Years from now, people will love them. MDMA Films will be seen as some sort of ‘artistic triumph’. 

                Jackson Nieuwland - Fantastic Award, Great Job              
Jackson Nieuwland is pure positivity. He likes everything. Facebook can barely handle him. 

                I am glad Alt Lit finally has an awards ceremony. I am glad Steve Roggenbuck hosted the first annual Alties. Hopefully he will host next year’s and the year after that. Glad it worked out. Also I am happy to see an award ceremony named after myself. It makes me smile on the inside and outside. Thanks for attending. This was the best attended ustream I have ever seen.


  1. Humbled to have been included in such a great internet experience! I also encouraged you to get published on Thought Catalog tho, JUST SAYIN!!!!!! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!

  2. i really like this i was sleeping during these awards but this article makes me feel in the moment wahoo

  3. but who won 'most satanic'!?

    also, luv u beachy! yr award show after party ruled xo

  4. @I'm glad to open your eyes to the ALTIES prize.

    @Oh, I forgot the 'most satanic' award. That would have gone to you though Ms. Nguyen

    @Don't be sad Karim. Be Glad, oooh, be glaaad!