Movie Review: Citizen Kane: Michael Bay’s Remake.

This photo has not been edited. He really looks like that.

                Michael Bay sat on his private island in Indonesia. As he watched the Komodo Dragons lazily make their way up his beach, he wondered what more could he do. Thinking to himself, he already had some of the most negative press around, yet still made money. For his entire career, he trolled movie theaters, taunting them with terrible movie after terrible movie. Yet he still made some of the most financially successful movies of all time. Where was the fairness in that?

                When would the masses wake up and realize he hated movies? Didn’t creating a third “Transformers” movie convince them of that? In case someone didn’t get it, he used a lame Pink Floyd reference “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” in order to see if he could offend music fans too. No use, nobody understood how horrible his movies were. Constantly he heard the refrain given about all his movies: they are ‘mindless’ fun. 

                Obviously he needed to step up his game. Michael needed to find a movie so beloved by the masses that no one could doubt his intent. A venerable institution of cinematography needed to be defecated upon. Looking through books filled with the best movies (thankfully his movies had been excluded from those lists) he saw a movie which got mentioned over and over again. Surprisingly, it wasn’t Mr. Bay’s personal favorite “Weekend at Bernie’s” it was some movie called “Citizen Kane”.

                Immediately Michael Bay thought “Citizen Kane” was about a vigilante candy cane that helped people discover the true meaning of Christmas through violence. Upon doing an unusual thing and researching the movie, he discovered the plot. Realizing this might be his chance to truly display his contempt for art and culture, he diligently worked for 15 minutes re-writing the plot and figuring out who to cast, along with taking some ‘creative freedoms’. Below is the new version:

                Charles Foster Kane (the Jersey Shore’s ‘The Situation’), a wealthy sex doll manufacturer, dies after saying “Bros” and dropping a bottle of Axe Body Spray. News circulates around the web, with people creating Memes of how “that sucks” with a naked picture of himself with a sex doll. A revered journalist Glen Beck (played by Ashton Kutcher) tries to find out the truth behind the phrase.

                The deeper he goes, the more he’s confronted by cars transforming into giant robots. Slowly he realizes how Kane manipulated politicians to create endless wars. Working with newspapers now extinct, he gave these robots literally fighting chances. Wars take place in countries as far flung as Belgium, Argentina, Brunei, Grenada, and Uzbekistan. Fighting scenes take up about 70% of the movie. People from all races and creeds get ingloriously blown up. 

Eventually the United States’ economy collapses due to debt brought on by the conflicts; people are no longer able to afford to raise families. Men purchase blow-up dolls for their longer and longer tours overseas. When they returned to a wrecked economy, they are unable to support their families and turn to sex dolls to make them feel important.

Charles’ part in betting against the US economy is discovered and his influence is destroyed. In front of Congress, he cries a lot. Various congressmen berate him. After being publicly embarrassed, he hides in his palatial estate, never to be heard from again, receiving various tax breaks since he’s wealthy. Never again does he have friends, just mere servants. The transformers decide to work as Livery drivers in New York City to make ends meet. 

Upon doing research, Glen Beck realizes Charles grew up in a working class family in New Jersey. Though he lived a poor existence, he banged ‘mad bitches’ on that state’s very shore. Glen theorizes “bros” refers to when Charles had friends. Oddly, Glen is right and the movie ends with Panda Bear’s “Bros” playing in full as the camera focuses in on a bottle of Axe body spray.

At its release, thesaurus sales increase as critic look for new ways to describe rubbish. Each review is meaner than the last. Wall Street Journal says about the plot: “It makes ‘Go Dog Go” seem like ‘Infinite Jest’.” Those in charge of the “Razzies” nominate it for 87 different categories, including ‘new circle of hell’.

Word of mouth calls it ‘Good Fun’. After its international release, the movie makes an unheard-of $57 billion. People celebrate its fun across the globe. World peace ensues due to the fantastically awful movie. Yet again, failure and sarcasm has eluded Michael Bay.