By now you’ve probably heard of the Hipster Grifter, who also goes by the alias Kari Ferrell. She’s a writer for various blogs (Animal New York, Spook Magazine, etc) but is probably much more famous for ripping off people. During her time in Salt Lake City and New York, she wrote bad checks and stole credit card numbers. Eventually caught, she served time in jail for all her fraud.
Most naturally assumed she had some sort of severe personality disorder. Her sexually aggressive behavior and her imprint on low New York City society was vividly portrayed in the hit TV series “Law and Order”. There, they also showed her willingness to use sex to try and get out of trouble while on the stand by masturbating in front of the lawyer. I’m not sure whether or not Kari Ferrell ended up using this tactic at her own trial, but it seems like a pretty good way to either get out of trouble or show that you’re totally insane.
However, those who feel that she’s now vaguely contributing to society by writing for Hipster Publications would be dead wrong. And no, I’m not talking about how hipster writing is boring; upper-middle class inspired fantasizing drivel. Instead, I’m saying this is just part of her diabolical plan conceived by herself and her father, Kim Jong-Il.
Adopted by Mormon parents in Utah, we’re lead to believe that she was in fact born in South Korea. But those 5 months, where she’s told everyone that she lived in South Korea, might in fact be a complete lie. 5 months is long enough for someone to bond with their adoptive father, Dear Leader of North Korea, and to learn his instructions for world domination.
Kim Jong-Il is a fanatical movie-goer. People who have seen his films state that excluding the propaganda in the films, he has a real knack for the dramatic. One day, while going on his daily jog through the wrecked landscape of his country, he noticed a small infant on the side of the road biting the heads off of small country mice. Warmed by this loving display of evil, he brought her to his secret palace and trained her to destroy Western capitalism.
Over the course of a few months, the small infant got subjected to heaping doses of her father’s irony, his love of trashy pop culture, and being a pathological liar. Figuring that she must have been the spawn of a wild wolf and pixie, he taught her how to fit into specific subcultures of Americans. His “Dear Leader” senses indicated that cute, twenty-something girls could wreak true havoc in the right corners of America. Yet he also knew this would take time, born in the era of the 80s, the world had yet to melt to the charms of short-haired, pixie-ish girls. Time was on Kim’s side however.
Changing her history forever, he created a secret underground spy network to keep in touch with her. Then, shedding some tears, he let her float away in a small basket down a river into South Korea.
Utah offered her a perfect place to hone her indie skills. Reading up on all the latest trends, she developed a keen knack for knowing all about “haute indie” culture, including the various discographies of the Boredoms, Pavement, Built to Spill, and the more daunting ones like Yo La Tengo, Sonic Youth, and even Stereolab. Mr. Hansen (her first real boyfriend and person she ripped off) and other males became practice runs for the sort of manipulation she’d perfect later on.
Salt Lake City is where she practiced the art of “fucking people over” like Modest Mouse (another favorite band of hers) suggested. Much of the money she stole was sent back to Pyongyang to help pay for its missile program. But it wasn’t just the money Kim cared about, he also wanted to make sure his Pixie-Wolf child stayed safe in the big city. After $60,000 had been re-distributed to herself and the communist North Korean government, law enforcement took action. Realizing she had a choice of doing the responsible thing by showing up in court and facing the (crappy) music, she went to Brooklyn, searching for better music and new opportunities.
By now, she crafted herself into every hipster dude’s wet dream: multiple tattoos, one which crowned her breasts, another which showed her affection for men with beards. Besides aesthetic features, she discovered that being sexually aggressive came with rewards. Picking on hip losers, she stroked their egos among other, more tangible things. Using their affection, she stole things from right under them. Story-telling improved considerably as she remembered those movies she watched with her North Korean adoptive father.
It was her sexual aggression which made men fawn over her. Among some of her better lines were:
“I want to give you a handjob with my mouth” – This directly reference two different sexual acts, while also re-framing a description of what is commonly known as a “blowjob”.
“I want you to throw a hot dog down my hall” – This subtly references the lost art of love-making, with the hot dog representative of a penis, and the hall referring to her vagina.
“I want you to go spelunking in my cavernous vagina” – An act that most of her victims would be aware of, cave exploring, mixed in with the wink and nod that she in fact was somewhat fast sexually.
“I want your peen in my va-jay jay, baby” – Using juvenile language deliberately, she hopes to draw them in with pure cuteness. Plus, this isn’t quite as hard to understand as her more obtuse one-liners.
Being in the Crown Heights-Prospect Heights border, she got to meet all the most relevant blog hipster types Brooklyn had to offer. She tried to break into that ivory tower of hipster culture, Vice Magazine, but they googled her and realized that she was in fact a criminal.
This was but a small snag in her plan to destroy capitalism. Stealing money from these sorts of people became astonishingly easy, as they often had their judgment clouded by her mischievous sexual siren calls.
Using people’s ATM cards and always borrowing money never raised suspicion, mostly since these same people she stole from borrowed money en masse themselves, and from foolish people they called “their parents”. Cancer became the go-to story in case people got somewhat intelligent, after the clouds of drugs, emotional attachment, and alcohol wore off. Kim Jong-Il trained her very well indeed.
Eventually her first run ended in abject failure. While she later stated that she handed herself over to the police in Philadelphia, the truth was that a young musician (Sam Tremble) lured her to his city, to play by the rules of the land. As soon as the police came to take her away, she tried thinking of something sexy to tell the officer to get off the hook, but couldn’t think of anything insanely sexy enough to get out of jail.
A few bits of time later (months, weeks, who knows really) she’s back, with part II. Part II of the North Korean plan involves showing some remorse for her actions. Capitalizing on the fame brought to her by the internet (Gawker, etc) she now works for those publications. Slowly, surely, she’ll try to reel us all in again, convincing us she’s just some sort of hip girl who got mixed up in criminal activity. Maybe Kim Jong-Il will even lose control over her, as he falls for her charms like so many others, paying for her alcohol, drugs, and CDs with bonus tracks.
I’d like to think her rein of ripping people off is over, but I know that communism never rests. Plus she hasn’t even accomplished some of the goals Kim Jong-Il laid out for her. They include:
- Getting Knicks tickets, smuggling Kim into a game, claiming that Kim is her “Grandmother”
- Destroying Western Capitalism
- Convincing Stereolab to reform and write the new national anthem for North Korea
- Bankrupting the Ayn Rand Institute
- Punching Bono (lead singer of U2) in the face
- Meeting David Lynch and bumming a cigarette off him
Goals that she did meet:
- have an unreasonable amount of sex with bearded weirdoes
- getting James Murphy’s autograph
- stealing King Tut’s penis
- show her boobs all over the place
- writing snarky commentary for reputable blogs
- pissing off hipsters
- collected Liza Minelli’s toenail clippings
- explaining to Kim Jong-Il how twitter works
I’m worried though. Hopefully she’ll be stopped before she goes into the upper echelons of society, of dating famous movie star types. Right now she’s on pretty much the lowest social level, that of professional blogger. The only thing she’ll inspire at this time is cutesy twitter and facebook updates about how much they care for her. The fools! If only they knew!
Anyway, don’t say I didn’t warn you America. Oh, and to Kari Ferrell, quoting your own speech to Gawker
“Hey, what’s up?”